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Juni 2, 2020

The Accident (Der Unfall)

Life taught me a lesson to remind me of my own FRAGILITY. The fragility of life. What a miracle it is to be alive and how fast it can be over. Scary, beautiful, breathtaking.
Two days ago I had a scooter crash :It happened on the way to a village in the mountains of Lombok. The wind playing with my hair on foreign roads – I felt alive and unstoppable. With Andrew and two heavy bags on the back of our extra large scooter, I rolled down a steep road. All of a sudden, there was a deep hole full of stones in the street. It just appeared out of nowhere. I tried to hit both breaks and realized that the back break didn’t work well enough to stop a heavy machine with all its carriage and passengers going downhill.

And in front of me a moment unfolds that is still frozen in my mind,crystalline, hanging in time, playing on repeat over and over again:
I tried to balance the scooter with my left leg, but it was beyond my strength. I lost all control. We shift, the mirror crashes on the asphalt and I slide with the left side of my body over sharp gravel.
The noise of moving stones,
of bodies hitting the ground –
forever humming in my ears.

Next thing I remember is the burning pain that became stronger and stronger: my left upper arm is skinless, dirty and burning. My knee full of bruises. Nothing deep but – holy cow – painful as f**k. Under shock I cry till I almost run out of air. More and more locals stop. No one understands us or can help us. Most of them just stare at my wounds in terror and talk about us in a foreign language. In this moment all I wished for was a little hiding spot where I could sit down and process what just happened and cry, just cry my ugliest cry… In the end we found help and a hospital. All went well. Sigh

Here I am bruised and cracked open. I am so super emotional, I feel vulnerable and fragile. How unpredictable life can be, so raw and wild, you don’t see it coming. And even if you do, you sometimes just don’t listen.
The noise of moving stones. Every day I have to disinfect my wounds with alcohol and it’s the craziest pain I’ve ever felt. It makes me scream and cry over and over again.
When I leave our little garden, everyone in the village stares at my arm and makes faces. There’s almost no moment where I can escape the accident.
I am stuck in a loop: the moving pictures in my mind, the sound in my ears, the staring strangers, the burning pain unfolding and getting deeper and stronger – day after day.

Life is fragile.
A body of flesh and bones. A twinkle in the night sky. I am so thankful for every moment on our beautiful earth – even the painful ones, the bloody lessons on repeat.
It’s so nice to live in an unpredictable, always moving wonder land – in a body with so many superpowers that it can heal itself over and over again. Health is from now on my biggest priority and my brightest star. Taking care of my wounds – my daily ritual. In and outside.
I bow down in front of all living beings which lives are a constant cycle of pain and suffering. I AM HUMBLED. My life, my background, my coordinates are from such high privilege and I promise, I will use every breath for our planet’s wellbeing, to protect its animals, to raise the frequency. I am so grateful. I LOVE YOU. Thank you for all the support, love and warmth. I hope we can dance, create and sing together very soon. No one knows when that will happen, though. Isn’t that f**king scary? Isn’t that incredibly beautiful? Every tomorrow brings something new. Words weightless flying through space.

PLANS CRUMBLING IN OUR HANDS.

UNKNOWN SHAPES RISING FROM THE SOIL.

STORMS. STILLNESS. EXPLOSION.

CONNECTION. ISOLATION. NUMBNESS.

EVERYTHING AT ONCE.

I SURRENDER.

March, 2020

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